A conservative in Paris

In the Midwest I kept company with some great and very conservative people. Over the course of many discussions, I learned that nothing gave them the willies more than dropping the “F-bomb”. I am talking of course about any mention of “France”. The F-bomb would raise goose bumps on their skin, make them suck their teeth and look a little squeamish. In solidarity with my conservative brethren I bring you a conservative view of Paris.

For starters, there is an overemphasis on hedonism here. The buildings here have been so carefully proportioned and detailed, the gardens so numerous and well-tended, the food so well prepared and impossible to avoid, it’s no wonder that France has a terrible time focusing on war-making.

The cars here are miniscule. They make a little buzzing sound as they pass. Probably, if you managed to find a spot that was too small for one of them, you could pull up next to the spot, get out, and just push the car in from the side. They can’t weigh much more than I do. They have none of the deep growl that accompanies a Lincoln Devastator or a Chevy Macho. Quite frankly, they’re sissy.

And a lot of the motorcycles here have two wheels in the front, like they belong to some little kid who’s still too timid to take the training wheels off. Sissy I tell you.

And on the subject of vehicles, as long as a decade ago, Paris had maps of rental locations for electric cars. Aren’t they special, getting a jump on the rest of us. I haven’t seen a trace of smugness, but it’s there, I know it. Also on the transportation front, the city has placed racks of bikes everywhere available for a Euro per hour. You can take a bike out from one rack and rerack somewhere else completely and just leave it. Obviously this undermines the free market by cutting into the business of private bike rental companies but more to the point, there are bikes everywhere and it's just a nuisance. (That giant green egg in the foreground is a glass recycling vessel. It seems pretty clear that it was specifically designed to accommodate wine bottles, encourage drinking and foster hedonism).

But returning to sissy, I visited the Eiffel tower today. Yeah, it was probably the tallest “man-made” structure at some point or other, but look at the Twin Towers. Now those are some muscular forms. The Eiffel is all delicate lattice work.

It’s a miracle that the thing hasn’t crumpled yet. I think the 19 layers of paint are keeping the thing upright. It’s sissy, and clearly part of the gay, socialist agenda. This morning I passed a school where the nurse was actually spoon-feeding socialism to the children.

And what’s with everyone walking around with long, thin loaves tucked under their arms like they’re some kind of defensive weapon.